Wesley Willis - Arnold Schwarzenegger

You know that old adage ‘if you can’t be a good musician, amaze them with how bad of a musician you can be, but have amusing lyrics’ ? Me neither. To call the recordings of Wesley Willis (RIP) ‘music’ is essentially true, but true in the same sense that spray cheese is cheese. However, you have to admire his consistency and dedication to the demo button on his keyboard. Willis was a diagnosed schizophrenic, and often used wild obscenity to attempt to offend the howling demons of his mind enough that they would leave him alone. For example, an entire series of songs involving sexual acts with zoo animals was directed at the three ‘demon mullets’ Wesley believed to be terrorizing him - classics like ‘Suck A Cheetah’s Dick’, ‘Suck A Camel’s Bootyhole’, ‘Taste A Panda’s Ass’, etc. All said, Willis put together over 50 albums of slurred rants about topics varying from ‘Suck[ing] a bactrian camel’s dick’ to Superman, making all stops in between.

Wesley took great solace in repetition - for example, headbutting fans was part of the joyful ritual of meeting Wesley - so much so, that a large callous formed on his forehead, which kind of made him look like a bizarro-world, schizophrenic Aaron Neville. Wesley’s songs, when not about [sex act]ing a [rare animal]’s [genitals], were often about other bands, or prominent figures in pop culture. The chorus of these songs was almost always a bellowing out of the band or person’s name repeatedly. Sure, the songs might leave a little to be desired in terms of structure, but they’re a joyful mess. And fuck, do you have any idea how hard it is to find listenable songs named after actors? What have I got myself into?